How to Catfish Someone Using Your Own Face (According To Instagram)
By Sola Onitiri
This is a concept that I’ve been obsessing over for the better part of a year. Some might even call it my life’s work. I’ve noticed that we are far beyond contouring and highlighting as a means of restructuring the face. Oh no, that’s old school, vintage even. With the help of technology, we’re smoothing, tapping, whitening and erasing every inch of our faces so that our online personas are as flawless as a Glossier model vacationing in the south of France. And although it is our face, at a certain point, a philosopher might ask “Is it really?”
Well, philosophy’s never gotten anyone 15 Tinder matches in a row the way editing software has, so you do the math. After extensive research, I’ve identified the three most common and cost effective ways to level your online game up for personal and economic gain #LetsGetGoing
BEGINNER Level - Facetune
Released in 2014, Facetune is an app for molding your photos, mainly selfies, into perfection. And as some Instagram elite will tell you, it is an art form. With the power of Adobe Photoshop at your fingertips, you can go from the Hunchback of Notre Dame to Esmeralda with a few swipes and pinches of your fingers. It turns out, the number one skincare hack on the planet is just $2.99 and the ability to use the ‘Smooth" tool.
Now with great power, comes great responsibility; Subtly and artistry is key. The number one trick when it comes to Facetune, is to build. Don’t go full on ‘Smoother’ on your first pass at it - that’s a rookie move that you will immediately be clocked for. Zoom in, concentrate your efforts in small areas and build from there. Working in small sections will help your work look natural. Same goes for the resize, reshape, and refine tool. EASY DOES IT. Yes we all want cheekbones like Elektra Abundance but Facetune facial reconstruction can get cartoon-y real quick. Make sure you’re checking for warped backgrounds and other inconsistencies as well. Your face and body exist in the foreground of a location. If the background looks like the Mr. Krabs meme, then you need to hit undo and start from the beginning.
Great for: Crafting the perfect Instagram or Tinder thirst trap profile and not spending a ton of money on your skincare routine.
Intermediate - Double-Chin Tape
So this is the phenomenon that inspired this entire article. A few months ago I came across a few videos of trendy girls with next to no body fat using this tape on my explore page. I must have watched a million of these videos (some of which are problematic but I’ll get to that in another post) a million times because I couldn’t believe my eyes. What was this hybrid of practical effects makeup and alchemy? I mean, just imagine turning your front facing camera on and not having a double chin. If Noble Peace Prizes be awarded for makeup these women would certainly be in the running.
Face-lift tape currently retails for $20 on eBay and other less than reputable online stores. A real steal if you consider the price of cosmetic surgery and gym memberships. However, there are a few setbacks you should be aware of. This is a beauty hack for virtually standing still. So if future bae is taking you on a date that requires swimming, sweating or laughing too hard, this may not be the play. However, if said future bae wants to jump on Face-time with Max and Neave, dim lights and face tape is the way to go.
Perfect for: Proving to your online partner via Skype that you are indeed a real person and not a Snapchat filter.
EXPERT LEVEL: Prosthetics
This is for those of you who are truly scheming, scamming and finessing someone who called you a fat ass Kelly Price . The use of recreational makeup prosthetics involve a level of expertise and malintent that is truly unmatched. Whether it’s furthering your Instagram makeup channel or paying off your student debt via older businessman with a doll fetish, the only reason to wear these things is for capitalistic gain.
Symmetry is the goal here, plain and simple. But not the normal symmetry that a good old fashioned nose contour can provide. We’re talking about the symmetry that makes you look like a doll that has been cursed to become sentient on Halloween every hundred years. Much like most makeup, the key here is to make sure everything blends. If your fake nose is a different color than the rest of your face, the jig is very much so up. I’d imagine that adhesive glue or tape is another factor in this as well.
Ideal for: Recreating that scene from Arrested Development where the Bluth kids are afraid of the guy that George Sr. hires to scare them by detaching a fake hand.
Let’s get real for a moment
Remember a few years ago everyone “Took a stand,” against airbrushing and retouching? What exactly happened to that movement? I’ll stop asking rhetorical questions because I know the answer to it. The pressures of looking like the people we follow on social media eclipsed the feel good message of embracing ourselves, dark circles and all. Constantly comparing ourselves to the people with the financial means to pay for cosmetic procedures or the technical ability to make prosthetics, is not only dangerous but ultimately stupid. And It’s not stupid to fall for it; It’s stupid that it’s the standard. People have blemishes and bags under their eyes and body fat! There is literally nothing more natural than that.
Now, I’m not anti-Facetune or chin tape. And I use the term ‘catfish’ lightly (unless you’re completely reconstructing your face). But everyone should be aware that it’s a slipperiest of body dysmorphic slopes.
The last and ultimate rule to catfishing with your own face is this. If you would be embarrassed by the original, unedited photo being release to your followers, delete any and all face editing apps off your phone immediately. You should be contouring a face you already love or blurring a stubborn pimple that’s giving you grief. Everyone wants to put their best face forward and we all have a right to do so - but just make sure it’s coming from a place of love and confidence.