If Dating Apps Were The Guys You've Dated
By Sola Onitiri
Dating in 2017 is basically synonymous with online dating. But let's be real, the kind of guy you're going to message haphazardly for a few days then casually (ahem awkwardly) grab drinks with is dependent on the app you're using. Here are the guys you've probably dated and the datins apps you used to find them.
Tinder is the F*ckboi who peaked in high school that you keep going back to every few months because you need to get your groove back by any means necessary. He understands how you feel in your weakest romantic moment because he too is trying to get his groove back - however, his "groove" was back when everyone had a myspace account and couldn't legally drink. He likes vodka Red Bulls, the sound of his own voice, and the word "casual".
Ah yes, the Sad Boy(TM). OkCupid just hasn't found the right person yet, mostly due to the fact that he refuses to leave his apartment. You will connect online based on some nerdy TV show or band and will get trapped in a conversational loop about his interests and anxiety. If you do happen to meet up, it will take three tries to actually pin down a date, time, and location. Two weeks to OkCupid is a lifetime of dating and he's brought up marriage a whopping three times on your third date. He "breaks up" with you on the fourth date because he doesn't think it will work. The explanation? It doesn't "feel" right.
Bumble has a lot to say but no actions to follow it up. He's the quintessential hipster boy who wants to take you to art galleries and on hiking excursions but somehow you always end up hanging out with him and his eight roommates who smoke weed while watching terrible movies. He "loves that you have opinions on things," but can't handle rejection or critique - Despite the fact that he'll tell you that one funny story he has upwards of four times. It ends but not really because he'll text you when he's in the neighborhood or black out drunk #breadcrummed.
Coffee Meets Bagel
There are some guys who are just sick and tired of the dating scene and are just looking for a nice girl to settle down with. Coffee Meets Bagel is that guy. He's got every dating/relationship horror story on the planet and is inclined to think that most "females" are crazy. He'll know if you're the girl he wants to spend forever with after one date. Chances are, you're not the nice girl for him. He should really just spring the cash for Match.com
If blind dates were a thing that still existed you'd end up on one with Hinge. You know him through a friend. Hell, you may have gone to high school with him but you can't for the life of you remember. You run out of things to say instantly because your friend already told you everything about him and he knows everything about you. Turns out you did go to high school together. Thanks to good grooming he's cuter but only a little bit. You only go on one date.
Have you run into any of these guys or dating apps? Let me know below or on Twitter.